I'm nearing my end. By that, I mean my student's visa. Most of the people I know keep on telling me, "Good luck. I hope you're approved." I honestly don't know what to say. A fourth of me would like to blurt out, "I hope so too." But actually I'm mighty afraid if I did pass. Afraid and irritated, I think. Utang na loob, 23 na ko, nag-aaral pa ko! I want to work. I want to help. I want to be free. I just wanna go home. But then, when I really think about it, what would I do in 'Pinas if I'm there?? I don't think I have the guts to show my face to people, not even to myself. I don't think I amount to anything. I'm nothing.

Wow. I did it. I wrote it all down here in my journal. That has kept me awake for so long now. *sigh* A lot of my friends would often scold me for that, for thinking things like this. They told me to just snap out of it and make the best out of the situation. Easy to say but very hard, you know. Sometimes, I hate myself for thinking these sort of things. Makes it harder for me to bear. Pero ewan. One of the factors cguro is my lack of friends here and the lack of communication with my friends back in Pinas. Well, I got tons. I know I have them where it counts. The only thing that's bothering me is the distance; uhm no wait, make that three things: the distance, the timezones, and of course, the cost. *sigh* But of course, after last night, things have changed... a little. Thanks to an online friend and now a phone pal, I was able to talk to her. She put a lot of sense in my head. Funny thing is, she's younger than I am. Two years. Haha. That should put me in my place. She told me everything happens for a reason. Uh-huh sure. Ahh, well, never mind me. It's just that in my book, I have yet to see the reason. Nevertheless, thanks. I know you mean well. Hmm maybe you could yank me out of my misery and stuff me in your suitcase eh?