For my friends...

though i wish that i were with you now i know there's a reason for space
i can dream of memories you're writing down
and i look forward to that day & the smile on your face
we will sing, we will write, we might cry and we might fight
and the good times will never end
we will laugh, we'll relax, we'll reflect on the years we've past
and i know that it won't be long,
until we meet again

-- Leaving Song by Stephen Speaks

Whew almost a week went by without me blogging. That's a first. Hehe! I think I caught the lazy bug. Haaay kakatamad... It's noon here when I blogged this and I'm online at YM too. Sometimes it's good to be online when none of your friends are. Oops I should erase that no? Ah never mind. Here's to today's bickering... Hehe! I don't think no one understood what I said today. Never mind. I think I'm drunk. Woopsie.

Nice weather today... sunny yet windy. It feels good to walk out in the open air again without the harsh wind biting your face. Walked for 2 hours. Result: super-fatigued calves and foot muscles. Arekupo...

There's been a boost of the Pinoy fandom, be it LOTR, SWP, or HP -- all thanks to the New Worlds convention. The TPTS peeps are now planning for the ROTK convention. They are now scouting for sponsors, costume ideas, and funds. They even have this idea of making an Elven armor. The SWP gang are also planning this early. Last time I checked they're acquiring this stormtrooper costume from Singapore and planning to mold a stormtrooper armour out of it. Cool eh? Also there's this group, Pinoy Harry Potter (PHP), who will probably have a book launching party in time for HP Book5. Now what's wrong with this picture? Nothing. These things are great for the groups mentioned. If you were to tell me a year ago that these things would happen, we would probably met that statement with . We've been dreaming these achievements ever since we established the groups. We couldn't have asked for anything better, now that we got some of them. Well maybe I would have. If only I were part of it physically, then I would be satisfied. But like my friend said, the world is conspiring against me. No questions about it.

Oh, my friends are all God-sent, reassuring and calming me that it would be ok. There will still be pictures and reports and updates. But somehow, it is never the same. I am missing the camaraderie I shared with all of them. The closeness of the group. The kulitan, bangayan, at kung anu-ano pa. Maybe sometimes I miss the recognition and respect of being a moderator or even the member with the most recruits. Sometimes I find myself getting jealous of this certain person. I should have been there, you know. Or I should be doing that. Or the mere fact that you are acknowledged and I am not. Probably it goes to show that I'm not responsible enough. Ah never mind, this is my pride talking. I should be happy... hmmm, no, make that I AM happy. Not only for TPTS and SWP but for the whole Pinoy Fandom. If only it's more than what I feel for myself, I should be ok. Then again, I don't think so. I wouldn't be this miserable if I am as happy as I say I am.

Today: A sense of loss, of foreboding, of sadness I have never felt before. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be grateful I'm alive. But still...

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You'll never know someone's attitude until you spend time with them under one roof. Sometimes I find people here so annoying. I guess they see me that too. Oh well...

The past days gave me hope. I got this idea that maybe I could go home this December, in time for the Return of the King premiere and the 2nd New Worlds Convention. Been daydreaming everything about it: the cost of going there, pasalubongs and stuff, my family's and friends' reactions. But I don't think it was meant to be that way. Got a notice from INS earlier that I'm not allowed to leave the country once I have my student's visa. If I do, I'm going to apply again but I don't plan on reliving the nightmare. Guess I have to wait. The end should better be good for all the trouble it caused me.

Shet I'm going to miss the ROTK and SW conventions. *sigh*

I applied for two insurance plans today: Health and Life. The Health insurance will be effective by next month while the Life one is immediately effective today. That means I can't be sick within the next month; however, I can die right now.

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Miss ko na mga kapatid ko!!! La lang. But then I get this guilty feeling since I know, deep inside that I miss my friends more. Weird noh. If I were to choose where I could be right now, I would immediately pick 'Pinas. Mostly because of the friends I made and left there. Of course, I miss my family too but sometimes I unconsciously think of my friends. Hmmm erase that, most of the time I think of them. And I feel guilty. I don't think this is right, behaving this way. Probably since I'm not that close with my sister or brother as I would like to and that makes the difference. My friends would have probably known more things about me than my family. It could be my fault since I allowed it to be that way. My aunt and my mom would often scold me since it's really apparent who I miss the most. Oh well...

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Called my mom today. She told me my Manong's done with his contract but my dad won't be joining him. He extended his stay. Hope he's alright wherever he is. *sigh*

Hay petty things when the world is at war...

I'm missing my sister today... But it's weird. Whenever we go online, we don't really chat. Even on the phone, our conversation stops at "Hey kumusta na?" Weird huh? But mostly during these chats/talks, I'm contented to know that she's there, only a buzz away.

Read some annoying posts today. When will this stop, I wonder? Well probably not for a long time, unless someone sees it from our point of view and open their minds.

Just 5 more days and winter will be over!! Spring, here I come!! Time to revamp mwehehehe!

New Worlds Convention -- the 1st Science Fiction and Fantasy Convention -- was held last Wednesday, March 12. It was a blast!! Well not that I've been part of it physically but the sheer number of emails I'm getting right now, I'm pretty sure it was a big hit. I have mixed feelings about this convention, extreme emotions so to speak. Elated at one end, wistful in the middle, and sad at the other end. Elated because it's considered a big break, not only for the Philippine Tolkien Society, but for the other groups as well like Star Wars Philippines. Wistful and sad because I so badly wanted to be part of it but I'm not and I can't. *sigh* Oh well at least they had fun!!



The Philippine Tolkien Society peeps




The Star Wars Philippines peeps


Check out more pictures here.

There's nothing more stupid than pretending to be something you're not.

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I'm getting irritated with TORN. I submitted a news regarding the convention, telling them that there will be a science fiction and fantasy con in the Philippines, yada, yada, yada. They emailed me back saying it should be LOTR-related. So I sent them another email, this time copying and pasting the intro from New Worlds and emphasizing the LOTR part. Guess what? They emailed me back again, telling me that they still need more details. What the heck is their problem?? Isn't it clear enough?? I'm blaming this on racism, I tell you.

What's life going to be for me? The future is so uncertain, so blurry that I can't even think of maybes. I hate these feelings I'm experiencing: of existing but not living, of my animosity towards the people who are passing me by, of helpless ness, of regret, the what-ifs, and the what-should-have-beens. I hate it that I don't believe. Sure I believe in fairies and dragons and unicorns and hobbits, but in this world, I don't think that counts. The things that matter I don't know if I really know that they exist, let alone believe in them. Belief... the something that people clung to in the choppy waters of Life.




I wonder... if all those people who undermine are right all along, that I'm not really what I thought I am, that I'm just fooling myself.

I really wonder... if everything's gonna be alright or is it just a cliche, making me and all other shattered people believe in something that isn't there?

I really, really wonder... if I can make it out of this hell hole. I sure hope so. I'm tired of worrying all the time.






So much for turning over a new leaf eh?

Wow haven't posted in a while. Didn't have much to tell, I guess. Of course that didn't keep me from going online. Anyway I'm turning over a new leaf. You won't hear me complain or whine over non-existent things here in my blog. I will try my damnedest best. Ok I will have to start with my list of what I like about living in the US.

• People don't really mind each other. Any get-up will do. And for me, that is nice.
  
  
• Lots of fruits! Almost every week, apples, oranges, pears and grapes are on sale. Sometimes you get to try different fruits too like persimmons. Mmm-mmm!
  
  
• If there's one food that's worth a visit in the US, it is Krispy Kreme. My absolute favorite is the Original Glazed Doughnut. Yum-mmy!
  
  
• Snow!! Of course as long as you're inside the house, they look soo heavenly. Wait till you to go to work or to the store.
  
  
• And last but definitely not the least, the public library. Going there and borrowing an unlimited number of books for 3 weeks, unlimited number of CDs for 2 weeks, 2 DVDs and 8 VHS tapes for 1 week. What a deal!
  
  

Hmmm have to think of more....

I'm nearing my end. By that, I mean my student's visa. Most of the people I know keep on telling me, "Good luck. I hope you're approved." I honestly don't know what to say. A fourth of me would like to blurt out, "I hope so too." But actually I'm mighty afraid if I did pass. Afraid and irritated, I think. Utang na loob, 23 na ko, nag-aaral pa ko! I want to work. I want to help. I want to be free. I just wanna go home. But then, when I really think about it, what would I do in 'Pinas if I'm there?? I don't think I have the guts to show my face to people, not even to myself. I don't think I amount to anything. I'm nothing.

Wow. I did it. I wrote it all down here in my journal. That has kept me awake for so long now. *sigh* A lot of my friends would often scold me for that, for thinking things like this. They told me to just snap out of it and make the best out of the situation. Easy to say but very hard, you know. Sometimes, I hate myself for thinking these sort of things. Makes it harder for me to bear. Pero ewan. One of the factors cguro is my lack of friends here and the lack of communication with my friends back in Pinas. Well, I got tons. I know I have them where it counts. The only thing that's bothering me is the distance; uhm no wait, make that three things: the distance, the timezones, and of course, the cost. *sigh* But of course, after last night, things have changed... a little. Thanks to an online friend and now a phone pal, I was able to talk to her. She put a lot of sense in my head. Funny thing is, she's younger than I am. Two years. Haha. That should put me in my place. She told me everything happens for a reason. Uh-huh sure. Ahh, well, never mind me. It's just that in my book, I have yet to see the reason. Nevertheless, thanks. I know you mean well. Hmm maybe you could yank me out of my misery and stuff me in your suitcase eh?