I want to do a lot of things: learn at least 4 languages, learn to play the guitar, read books, study computer stuff, etc. It's almost always the lack of time that hinders me from doing these things. But now add to my obstacles the people who undermine my ability. I don't get these people, kala mo kung sinong magaling, always pulling you down. Sheesh. Ok first, let me tell you that I've always wanted to study French but because of lack of resources, I didn't pursue it yet. Anyway, I have this cousin who's been studying the language as part of their curriculum. I asked her if she could teach me how to speak/write French. She said, "You know what, I've been studying French for years now..." Of course, I know where this is heading so I answered back, "But that doesn't mean I *can't* learn it." Ugh. This kind of attitude irks me. This is not the 1st time she did that, and I don't expect it to be the last. I just hope I wouldn't let these instances get to me in the long run. I have to make another mantra now.


The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them."

Went to the public library today. It sure is a good day today because I finally saw one of the books I've been hunting for so long. It's Christopher Pike's Sati. Pike has been my fave author when I was in high school. I continued reading his works until college. After reading almost all his Young Adult works, I then geared towards his more mature books. My fave would have to be The Season of Passage. Anyway, I hunted for his other books, and boy, were they hard to find or what!!? Finally gave up on him when I couldn't find any more of his works in the Philippines and when I discovered Tolkien. Hehe. I also hunted some of the books that were recommended by the members in TPTS. Some of them are available including The Books of Magic, Sandman, the Earthsea series, the Dune series, and the Thomas Covenant chronicles. Oooh I like this a lot, lots of books to read.

Transferred just now to Tripod. But I don't deem it successful. My stupid archives are not yet in the front page, which means this is all a terrible mistake. #@$%^$@#! Whenever I republish my archives, a window keeps popping up "Internal Server Error." I just hope this will all be fixed before I lose my mind. And oh, before I forget, thanks. If not for you, I think I would have been in a deeper sh*t.

UPDATE: Look at the left-hand column under "interaction." The list of my archives are supposed to appear after 'home' but all I see are my September 2002 and January 2003 posts. Even when I go to my archives, there's just the two months. Where did my posts go? Don't panic, don't panic. AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SOMEONE HELP!!!

UPDATED UPDATE: Ok that seems fixed. I went to Blogger's Troubleshooting page and according to them, this sh*t usually happens. All I have to do is to set my archives to "no archives" then reset it again to "monthly archives" or whatever my desired setting is. The only problem is my October and November pages don't seem to follow my template. Wonder what's wrong.

There seem to be something wrong with my blog... again. Serves me right for changing skins without being knowledgeable enough to do it. Might transfer to Tripod in a while. *GASP* I'm dreading to think what might happen if it fails.


UPDATE: Finally fixed it. Whew. This is taking a toll on me.

I saw this email just now in TPTS. The girl was one of my LOTR friends. I mean, we met a couple of times during the entmoots and we saw each other in Informatics, when I was studying HTML there.


dear friends of janet,
she passed away last mon night due to cardiac arrest. her remains
lie in state at arlington chapel c 2nd flr in aranet ave. the interment is
tom mrng at chi. cemetery in la loma, manila. pls. inform her other friends
abt it. thank you!


I don't know what to do, what to say. I don't know if I'm being gullible or what. I have this gut feeling that this isn't a joke. If it isn't, then Janet, my friend, wherever you are, today's blog is for you. May the Valar be with you. At last, you'll be with your Maker... and Tolkien. Ask him if Elves have pointy ears and if Balrogs have wings and if Elves came before the Elves. Sayang nde mo naabutan ROTK. Dibale, when I see you another time, we will have another moot. We will miss you.

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them."

Wow, that was some interview! Ok, given that I wasn't able to listen to the interview (F**K Media Player! ), the TPTS mods still and truly kick butt! Galeng-galeng talaga! I was hyper the whole time the interview was taking place. Well I'm excited plus pissed off, emotional extremes, so to speak. Pissed off because I wasn't able to listen to the interview! I tested the LiveRadio before and it worked just fine. I wonder what went wrong. And yes, I was excited too since I got to chat with some of the friends I made because of TPTS/LOTR. Oh how I miss them! I chatted with some of the newbies too. *sigh* I miss talking Tolkien. Anyway the chat itself was RIOT! Ang kulet ng mga newbies! We sure had a good time. Sana maulit. During the interview pala, a lot of people were texting and such regarding how to join the group. And you know what, we received 10 more emails just this day! He-hey this is good publicity eh! The first smial was also mentioned. Woohoo! We're on a roll! And yeah btw, I was mentioned too. Thanks guys!

I am so stupid! I completely forgot my high school best friend's birthday!!! Ugh!! I am so bad with birthdays. I should probably schedule now the e-cards I'll be sending to my relatives and friends. In that case, I won't have anything to worry about. They won't accuse me of forgetting their birthdays. Ugh this is embarrassing.

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I can't take this anymore! It's f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g c-o-l-d! The temperature has dropped tremendously. The range is now between 5-10 degrees Fahrenheit. The wind chills are below 0.

      "When I was a little girl, when we lived in our old house, a long, long time ago, my dad took me for a walk on the wasteland between our house and the shops.
      It wasn't the best place to go for a walk, really. There were all these things that people had thrown away back there -- old cookers and broken dishes and dolls with no arms and legs and empty cans and broken bottles. Mum and Dad made me promise not to go exploring back there, because there were too many sharp things, and tetanus and such.
      But I keep telling them I wanted to explore it. So one day my dad put on his big brown boots and his gloves and put my boots on me and my jeans and sweater, and we went for a walk.
      We must have walked for twenty minutes. We went down this hill, to the bottom of a gully where a stream was, when my dad suddenly said to me, "Coraline -- run away. Up the hill. Now!" He said it in a tight sort of way, urgently, so I did. I ran away up the hill. Something hurt me on the back of my arm as I ran, but I kept running.
      As I got to the top of the hill I heard somebody thundering up the hill behind me. It was my dad, charging like a rhino. When we reached me he picked me up in his arms and swept me over the edge of the hill.
      And then we stopped and we puffed and we panted, and we looked back down the gully.
      The air was alive with yellow wasps. We must have stepped on a wasps' nest in a rotten branch as we walked. And while I was running up the hill, my dad stayed and got stung, to give me time to run away. His glasses had fallen off when he ran.
      I only had the one sting on the back of my arm. He had thirty-nine stings, all over him. We counted later, in the bath.
      So later that afternoon my dad went back again to the wasteland, to get his glasses back. He said if he left it another day he wouldn't be able to remember where they'd fallen.
      And soon he got home, wearing his glasses. He said that he wasn't scared when he was standing there and the wasps were stinging him and hurting him and he was watching me run away. Because he knew he had to give me enough time to run, or the wasps would have come after both of us.
      And he said that wasn't brave of him, doing that, just standing there and being stung. It wasn't brave because he wasn't scared: it was the only thing he could do. But going back to get his glasses, when he knew the wasps were there, when he was really scared. THAT was brave."
      "And why was that?" asked the cat, although it sounded barely interested.
      "Because," she said, "when you're scared but you still do it anyway, that's brave."

-- Excerpt from Coraline by Neil Gaiman

This part stayed with me until I finished the book. I get it now. I know it's hard being brave and all especially when you don't know what's coming. But just like Coraline and her father, I have to. Not just for me. For my family as well. It's the only thing I could do.

Finally got my butt off the chair to do some exercise. Boy am I unfit or what?! I literally looked like this after my 3rd sit-up. I was panting furiously, my heartbeat was so fast, and I was getting dizzy when I finished the video. I'd better take a serious look at myself and take control of my life or I might end up feeling sorry for myself if I don't do it.

I can hardly sleep last night. I was really excited at the turn of events. A local radio station, NU 107, has invited our group to their show, Jan 27, 7:30AM. I was so happy, so excited! I wasn't able to sleep for a long time. I decided to call my friend and make chika. I stealthily crept towards the kitchen to get a prepaid card. Gad I felt like a criminal doing that! Well anyway, when I finally called her, she couldn't hear me. Yun pala nasa daan sya. Haay napurnada ang chikahan! But that's ok, I guess. Just to let you know that I badly wanted to talk to you about the NU thing. I am really so excited. Hope to chat with you soon. Anyway, our group has been through a lot of things: pugnacious and over-sensitive people, Tolkien-wannabe, I-know-ALL-about-Tolkien snob. It's a wonder we're still here. I'm proud of the moderators and all the people who kept the group alive. I couldn't ask for more. Ah, well, the thought of me joining the crew on that date, that's the ONE thing I would ask, given the chance.

So what do you think? Hey wait just a sec. Just to remind you, this will be my very first attempt at constructing a stylesheet. It's my stylesheet! Mine! My own! My preciousss... Ahermm. Well anyway go ahead, bash it, smash it, crash it. I don't care. Well then, maybe just a little.

*On a side note, YAHOO! I got it! Fixed my template! Whew! Lemme see... anymore bugs ? Well so far it's .

Ahhhh. Looking at it, I'm so .

I have dreams... so many of them. I wonder if they will all come true. I hope... someday.

One of my dreams is to become a traveller, a jet-setter. Sometimes I picture myself travelling with one bag, my trusty laptop (still a dream though), a PocketPC, a cellphone, and a digicam. When I'm on the plane, I'll open my laptop and log in my blog entitled "Jet-LOG" . But I think I've been trained in the wrong field. A job that almost requires an 8-hour to 12-hour shift. I hate it. I hate what it's doing to my aunt, to all employees who have this 9-to-5 (and sometimes longer) shift. Almost always, they complain "There isn't enough time!" Their families suffer, but mostly they do too. Life's so short. I want to take it all in, living one day at a time, sight-seeing all I want, experiencing all things that I can.

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Nasssty Image Magician and BoomSpeed! Sneaky sitesss. Wicked, trickssssy, falssse! I thought they're free. But lo! ImageMagician's new policy started just this Jan 19. It's a two-week trial period for all accounts, new and old. Boom Speed stopped accepting sign-ups. Argh! Any news regarding imagehosting? If I don't find any sites by the end of the month, I would have to evacuate to Tripod.

I have this new friend and she wrote a very timely and good post about racism and such. I tried commenting but I don't think it came through. I guess I have to say my piece here and hope she visits this someday. You know what, I can't agree more. What you wrote, it's very true. I've seen and even experienced a lot of this racism sh*t. One time, when it was Halloween here, we went to a town party (I forgot what they called it). Anyway, all the families within the town of Niles were invited to participate. There's food and freebies for everyone and even games for the kids. Now there's this game wherein the kid is supposed to shoot a ball into a basket. Each kid has one chance to shoot the ball. Once you win, you're given a glow-in-the-dark stick. Anyway, me and my cousins fell in line and waited for our turn. As we waited, I noticed that all the white kids were given a second chance whilst the other 'non-white' kids were not. And I'm not only talking about Filipino kids. I'm talking about ALL the kids who aren't white. Kainis di ba? At a young age, kids are exposed to this kind of shi*t. There's also this incident which I don't know if it's racism or not, but I'll tell you anyway since it irritates the hell out of me. We went to this hospital to apply as a CNA. Inside the building, there's this attendant who is a real bruha. My aunt talked to her in behalf of me. And this attendant pointed at me and said, "Can she understand English?" Susme, nagpanting ang tenga ko! Hmph! Gad these people are soo unbelievable!! It IS really ironic: they're celebrating Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday today.

Just finished reading two novels in a row: Robert Cormier's I am the Cheese! and Neil Gaiman's Coraline. I should've known better not to read them consecutively. I have the chills right now. I'm also asking my friend to talk to me, ANYTHING about the REAL world. Anything at all. I'm scared. Really.

I hate it when people keep on putting you down, underestimating your ability. You know you're more than what she's trying to picture and you know that you shouldn't let her get to you. Yesterday we visited someone who's been in the same predicament as I am. She and her friend taught me how to do this and that. They even let me borrow some of their books. I am thankful, believe me. But after that, this friend asked me questions about my credentials: where I graduated, what were my grades, what were my subjects and such. I responded, as politely as I could. "Well I took some Zoology, Organic Chemistry, Algebra, and Human Anatomy. My grades were mostly this and this," I said. I didn't mention all of my subjects, lest they label me as mayabang. And this ignoramus, well sorry but she is to me, told me "Ah Zoology. Naku ang Biology dito, nde lang basta halaman ha." (Biology here is not just about plants.) What the heck!? Biology is the science of living systems; botany, the study of plant life and zoology, with animal life. Any high school student would know that. Duh. But still she proceeded with "Alam mo ba ang neuron, basal ganglia, nephron, active transport, etc.?" Uhm, let me just tell you, I'm a freaking Physical Therapy graduate, an Allied Health profession. Did you hear that?! HEALTH!! Do you think my school would let me graduate if I didn't know what a f*cking neuron is?!? There is no available smiley that greatly conveys what I'm feeling right now so I just have to do with this. But anyway, let's just say the entire conversation was not very pleasant, at least for me. My hand was itching to throw the hardbound Intermediate Algebra book across the room into her face. And you know what, my hands are still itching.

But this isn't right. I let her get to me in the end. I'll show her. That's a promise, not only for her, but mostly for me.


I'm a PT. I KNOW I'm better than this.

I've been trying my hands on CSS for awhile now. But nobody told me it's freakin' hard!!! Well I've been trying to fix things up, small lay-out here and there, fixing bugs for some of my friends, even tweaking my own lay-out, to see how it works. I'm not near to what my other friends can do but I'm trying hard to study it. It's fascinating, you see. One small period or symbol can make a difference. As of now, my dream is to make my very own lay-out, from the big, eye-catching banner I could think of, to the last minute detail I want to add. I'm starting it now but it would probably take me awhile to finish it. I'm excited to see that day. I know it won't be much but at least I tried.



BTW thanks to my very first customer! Even though I know that my works aren't much, thanks for supporting it!

My God! I didn't notice that I've been online for the most part of the day. Patay na naman ako sa Tita ko. It's funny though. I felt I didn't go online for a whole month where in fact, I've been online almost everday. Hehe! BTW, I've been issued a student ID number and getting that particular number means the work is almost halfway done. Agh! I want to see the end of this! Anyway we have another scheduled meeting tomorrow. Have to be up and about then.



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I miss my family badly. Hohum...

I got my Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Official Soundtrack Internet Edition! Thank God I have a credit card, I mean a FRIEND who has one. Thank you!

I'm so happy I got it. I've been dreading not getting it since I read a few weeks ago that there are only 2,000 copies. When I went to their site, I read that they had trouble delivering all the CDs since there was a big demand and that they couldn't catch up with the fans. Hello! It's LOTR. What do they expect?

You wouldn't believe how I pulled it off. Well, I have to uhm, lie, just a wee bit. That's the only way I could think of, the only way to get my hands on this CD. Was it worth it? Well, YEAH! I just hope my mother and aunt won't find out.

An opportunity lost once is opportunity lost forever.

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It's funny. In a matter of weeks, I'm known here as the LOTR fanatic. Guess you can't quell the obsession of a fan.

There's a saying in Filipino that goes like this: "Kung ang hayop hindi pinapabayaan ng Diyos, tao pa kaya?" Sometimes I catch myself thinking "I hope I'm just smoke. At least, I have nothing to worry about. Not thinking, just drifting along."

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It's so c-c-o-o-l-d here right now! Freakin' 14 degrees F! Agh! I think I need gloves even if I'm just typing.

Melancholic Thoughts



I am so far away from my family and friends and most of the time, it gets to me. Contacting my family is no problem for me since I know I'm almost obligated to call once, if not twice a week. But my friends, now that's a different story. I'm forbidden (for lack of a better word) to call them. Sheesh. Stupid rule. Of course, when in need, you have to find a way. Whenever they're... oops, just remembered, my cousin and sister know the URL of my blog. Better not post it then. It might be the last thing I post if ever they find out. Anyway I asked my tita if she could buy me a PC microphone. Good thing she did. At least now I could hear my friends' voices. I just hope they have one too.

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I miss my friends badly. I wonder if they miss me too. Sometimes I get the feeling they don't. I have this friend who's as close to me as my sister. Yet I feel she's taking me for granted. I gave her my number, my e-mail address, even my blog. But not a word. Called her a few times too. "Heeey kumusta ka na? Miss na kitaaaaa! yada... yada.. yada... I will call you back ok?" Haven't heard from her ever since. It's really hard to find a friend.

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People here have so much confidence in me. They believe that I can make it. Problem is I don't share their sentiments. Not one shred of confidence I possess right now. And it's hard that way because you don't know what will happen next. You're in this ditch you've dug for yourself and you don't know how to get out. You know deep inside that it's you who holds the shovel in getting yourself out of that hole. I just hope I can get that shovel before it's too late.

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There are a few things I cherish the most in my life. Some things I cherish so much that my parents don't understand it. And sometimes I don't too. I just came to that realization a few days after a certain incident happened. I figured why would I attend to him so much? And almost immediately I got the answer: because I love being with him. I'm a different person when I'm with him. In a good way, that is. I'm in a totally different world. I can never do wrong when I'm with him. Do you think it's obsession? I think so too. But one's thing for sure... I can never go on without him.


The one who makes you laugh is the one who makes you cry...